EPISODE 2: A Day At The Movies

[It is a beautiful and crisp clear morning in Toonsville. In Bert and Wren's bedroom, the alarm clock rings loudly and Bert hits it with his fist]

Bert: [After looking at the clock] 8:30 A.M in the morning. {Goes over to the window and looks outside. He takes a deep breath and smiles happily] A picture-perfect morning. And today's the day we go to the movie theater! But I gotta get everybody ready first... [Goes back to the bed and gets out a steel pan and ladle from under it. Then, he starts banging on the pan and marching around cheerfully, startling Wren from her sleep]

Wren: BERT! What was THAT for?

Bert: It's 8:30, Wren. We're gonna go to the movies today!

Wren: [yawning] At this time of day? We didn't get to have any breakfast yet...

Bert: Oh. I'm sorry. But... [Continues cheerily] Let's have breakfast right now and then we'll get out at nine. The movie starts at 9:45.

[Later, after eating a quick breakfast, the whole family goes to the movie theater in the city. At the entrance, Bert asks for tickets to see "Hotel for Dogs"]

Clerk: Sorry, but the movie's been sold out.

Bert: [astonished] Sold out?

Clerk: Yep. It's been ou on DVD very recently, so of course it's sold out. It won't play in this theater any more.

Super Snooper: [angrily, to Bert] We woke up, got dressed, and came to the theater...for THIS?!

Bert: Hey, don't blame me, blame the inaccurate showtimes!

Rufus: I see "Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian" is on. Shall we go see that?

Hannah: [looking up and smiling happily] How about that one?

Wren: Hmmm..."Monsters Vs. Aliens"?

Clerk: It's a 3-D movie. The tickets cost about 3.00 for each person--and, you'll also need some 3-D glasses.

Bert II: [excitedly] 3-D glasses! That's so cool! Oh, Dad, can we go now? Can we? Can we?

Bert: [sighing] Well, if you say so...

[After Bert buys the tickets, the kids rush in, with Rufus and Snooper following behind. Wren puts her paw on Bert's shoulder]

Wren: [calmly] Hey, you don't need to be THAT angry all the time. Sometimes even good days are like this.

[Later, outside Rai's house]

Wren: [giving her a piece of paper] Here's the list of birthdays of my entire family.

Bert Raccoon: April 1st
Rufus: March 23rd
Super Snooper: June 8

Rai: These are your husbands' birthdays?

Wren: [nodding] Yep. And here are the birthdays of the kids, along with the ages that they will be on those dates.

Sunshine: February 21 (she will turn 12 years old)
Bert II: March 18 (10)
Belinda: May 6 (3)
Bartholomew ("Bart"): July 29 (9)
Elizabeth: June 16 (5)
Sunny and Cher (twins): April 10 (1)
Jocelyn: August 15 (3)
Kathy: May 25 (13)
Morgan: June 14 (7)
Myrtle: July 12 (5)
Hannah: September 7 (4)
Sarah: November 20 (2)

Rai: Wow!

Wren: Impressive, huh?

Rai: It is.

Wren: Can you send me a list of the birthdays of your husbands and kids, besides Man's?

Rai: [giving her another piece of paper] Here.

Man- 4
Eric Cartman ll- 5
Shawn-7
Josh-8
Jake-8
Joesph-9
Mike-5
Micheal-8
Spongy-3
Spongebob II-3
Dicso-4
Disco Bear II-4

Wren: Those are your kids' ages, but I don't see any birthdays.

Rai: I'm sorry. Oh, and here are my husbands' birthdays, too--I can only think of ages for them.

Spongebob-unknown
Eric Cartman-9
Disco Bear-37
Mime-19
Handy-20
Nutty-26

Wren: And hey, is that...Milo?

Rai: Yes. I divorced him a few months ago.

Wren: But Don't you know any of your husbands' birthdays?

Rai: Sorry. I have so many that I couldn't remember their birthdays at all.

Wren: Well, that's all right. I already know little Man's birthday, so it's always convenient to me. And I know all of my husbands' and children's birthdays, too, and I gave you a list so you will remember them. I only showed the ages of the kids, not the spouses--I just don't know how old my husbands are, either. Anyway, we had a good time. And guess what? I received an E-mail from Rufus' old friend, Amberley, in England. She says she's gonna come over to visit us next week. Trust me, the kids love a visit from their dear "Aunt Amberley", and she loves to play with them and give them presents. She always comes to visit our house only once a year. Is there anything special that happened today at your home?

Rai: My husband Disco Bear took me ice-skating...we had so much fun. Then Milo took me out to shoot dummies--it was quite fun! How have you been?

Wren: It was a pretty exciting day, really. After we had left the movie theater and just before we went home, we ate at McDonald's. Then, Snooper took me over to the library, where we read a lot of mystery novels--he checked out some of the books he liked. And then, Bert and I ate out at a fancy restaurant while Snooper and Rufus tended to the kids--we were home before 6:30. By the way, can I ask you something? I really liked the story about how you and Disco Bear met each other. I'm a little curious about Handy--you know, the little beaver with no hands. How did you first meet him?

Rai: We first met each other because I wanted some construction work done to my little house. So, they sent Handy. When he was done he and was about to leave, he forgot something. And when he came back he tripped and fell on me. He looked up, I looked down, and it was love at first sight. We went out on our first date and we were ready for a serious relatonship. So, after we had our first kid, we got married--then we had another kid who sadly died when he was in the womb because the cord choked him. [Sighs sadly] I wish he was alive, but at least the other one was too young to understand...

Wren: Oh, that's so sad, but at least you had a happy ending. Now, what about your other husband, Nutty? How did you meet him? After that, I'll tell you about how I met my other two husbands, Rufus and Snooper--I only gave you a brief description of my relationships with them yesterday.

Rai: I met him at a candy conivence store. I went to his little show thing and he was talking, but that was before he went cukcoo for candy. He looked at me and I looked at him--he asked me out on a date, and I didn't hesitate at all. We went to this candy shop, where we did the "Lady and the Tramp" scene with licorce. And evrything went well and we got married about 2 months after that. Now tell me how you met them now.

Wren: I'll tell you about Snooper first. I met him in Knotts Berry Farm, when I was going there with my friends. I was in Ghost Town, a section of the theme park, and I was wandering around in Calico Square, where a dance was taking place. I was scared--I didn't even know how to dance! Just then, I heard some barking, and I turned around to see a large bulldog chasing a brown cat wearing a white trenchcoat with a light-green plaid deerstalker cap. The cat hid behind me for protection, since he couldn't find something to climb up on to get away from the dog, and I simply shooed the bulldog away by taking out a dog biscuit and throwing it far away. Then, as soon as the dog was gone, I asked the cat why the dog was chasing him. He said, "I don't know. But he was awfully angry when I accidentally spilled soda on that little kid of his." The cheerful square dance music then shifted into an 80s love song--I couldn't recall what it was--it was most probably "True"--and the cat asked me if I could dance with him. I told him I wasn't a very good dancer, but then we had to do so anyway. While we were dancing, I asked him who he was, and he told me his name was Super Snooper--"The World's Greatest Private-Eye". I introduced myself to him, and soon we started falling in love. We started dating for about two months, and then we got married one month after that. And now, about Rufus. I met him while I was vacationing in London. I was in Regent's Park when I bumped into someone. I looked up and saw that person, and he was holding a dogfish by the leash--get it, dog-fish? A fish that acts like a dog? [Laughs] We sat on a bench and talked for a while, and he told me his name was Rufus. We started dating for three weeks, and we got married the very next month. So, how many kids did you have by Handy and Nutty, and what are their names? Can you tell me about them? After that, I'll tell you about the children I had by Rufus and Snooper.

Rai: I don't want to talk about it. I hope I didn't offend you like this.

Wren: Well, it's all right. I'll tell you about my kids by Rufus and Snooper. I'll tell you about Snooper's first. But just to make it short, I'll tell you about Kathy. Her full name is Katherine Ann Snooper, and she is 12 years old. She looks a lot like her father, and even speaks like him, too, but she gets her feisty personality from me. She LOVES anything from the 80s--music, TV shows, movies, fads, catchphrases, you name it. And she likes to wear her favorite pair of blue jeans with a white lace bow on her head, black leather fingerless gloves, and a white T-shirt with the words "Frankie Says Relax" on it--"Frankie", by the way, is "Frankie Goes to Hollywood", a British pop group.

Rai: Oh, that's cool. Just tell her I said "hi".

Wren: I will. And now I'll tell you about Rufus' kids. Bartholomew--"Bart" for short--is my first son by him. He's 8 years old. He looks like his father, but he has black hair like mine. And he has brown eyes, like mine. And, of course, he daydreams, just like his dad, although not that very much as he tries to concentrate on his schoolwork. Elizabeth is our second child--Rufus named her after Queen Elizabeth II. She is four years old, and she loves to draw. And she loves to paint, too. Jocelyn is our second daughter, and she is 2 years old. She loves animals--she wants a puppy for her birthday. Sunny and Cher are identical twin girls. They both look like me, but they have Rufus' eyes. They love to play a lot--I only had to keep them from crawling out of their cribs! I was pregnant with our sixth child several months ago, once, but I had a miscarriage after I tripped and fell down the stairs.

Rai: [gasping in horror) Oh, that's not good. How did you feel?

Wren: I was feeling dazed and I was in pain. Plus, I nearly broke my neck. But then, Rufus called the paramedics and they picked me up. I had to stay in the hospital for six weeks, but it will be another long three months before I could be able to have another child again. So, anyway, I had just recovered from that horrible ordeal. Did you have a similar experience, something probably more worse than mine?

Rai: Yes. This is a real story--I was riding my cousin's bike the other day. Then I saw a van and hit the brakes really hard, and I was going really fast 'cause I saw a van. Then I went flying and hit the street really hard, 'cause my arm was sprung, yet for some strange reason it didn't hurt. So I went to the hospital and had to stay in there for 2 days--I couldn't even go to the gym for a month. But now I feel better.

Wren: Ouch... that definitely had to hurt.

Rufus: [from far-off] Wren!

Wren: Hold on...yes, Rufus?

Rufus: Can you do me just one favor?

Wren: What is it?

Rufus: Can you help me find the toolbox? I have to build a new doghouse for Albert.

Wren: Okay, I'll be there in a second!

Rai: Did he say something about that dogfish?

Wren: Yes. Albert's our family pet. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go home to help Rufus find his toolbox. I'll see you tomorrow. [Gets up to leave]

Rai: All right. Have fun!

END OF EPISODE