Nuptial Nuisance: Captain Falcon

"...Captain Falcon!"

There was a huge roar of applause as a spotlight shined on the human bounty hunter. He shouted, "YES! I won! Wait a minute, I--"

Before he could say anything else, both he and Jane fell through the trap doors that appeared beneath them, much to the amusement of the audience.

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They woke up a couple of minutes later, dazed after having hit the hard ground. Where they were it was cold, damp, and dark. Jane groaned, "Ugh...where ARE we? Is this the labyrinth he told us about?"

"Looks like it," replied Captain Falcon. "Then again, I can't be too sure."

Suddenly, the area around them instantly lit up. It appeared to be a beautiful-looking meadow with flowers blooming all around, and a unicorn standing on the top of a hill nearby. What was even more unusual is that, when they looked about themselves, they discovered their hands were stuck together!

"Welcome to the Labyrinth of Love!" the host's voice spoke through the intercom. "This is where two partners who have just met discuss their love for each other. A fated pair, destined for a brighter future, prepare to set off on a journey that seems never-ending."

"Did you just super-glue our hands together?!" demanded Captain Falcon angrily. "I thought this was a contest! I did not agree to this!"

"There is a path that stretches before you; what lies beyond it remains unknown. Who knows what could be at the end? You have two choices: you may either go ahead and follow the path, or stay where you are. Good luck!"

The two stood alone for a while. Captain Falcon shrugged and said, "I guess we have no choice. If we want to get out of here, we'll have to do as the host says."

"Didn't you say you never agreed to this whole 'marriage' thing?" asked Jane.

"Well, for one thing, it's all too sudden. It would have been nice if we went on a date or two BEFORE deciding on marriage."

"And you've NEVER dated a woman before? I mean, you're a bounty hunter and all, and you've never had time for such things."

Captain Falcon looked down at her. He decided not to answer and walked ahead of her, leaving her to follow him through the passageway.

They had not gone far into the dungeon when they came across what looked like a large photo frame. The host's voice continued, "The engagement's been announced. What stands before you is a photo commemorating your love and commitment to one another. What will you do? Check it out or ignore it?"

"Really, a photo?" asked Jane incredulously. "And what's with the'engagement'?"

Captain Falcon answered with a shrug, "I suppose there's no harm in looking at it."

They gazed at the photo for a few minutes. The photo consisted of Captain Falcon and Jane, both wearing a tuxedo and a wedding dress. The bounty hunter scoffed, "Let me guess--they took a picture of us while we were unconscious, then photoshopped our heads onto some random couple's bodies. It makes me look ridiculous."

"You are ridiculous," murmured Jane, crossing her arms. "Why complain about it? I liked the dress, but you don't like the way you look in the tuxedo. Wait a sec...we're getting married...WE'RE GETTING MARRIED?! For stars' sake...I knew they'd trick me into doing this!"

"Doing what?"

"They're trying to get me to marry you!"

They stood alone in silence. Then Captain Falcon said, "Marry me? Sounds more like promoting an interspecies relationship. I'm human, you're a raccoon..."

"Tanuki," corrected Jane.

"Whatever, it may never work out. But that wasn't much of a challenge, though. I want a real one! Where's the monsters in the labyrinth that we can fight?"

"I don't think the host mentioned there were any monsters, just lame old stuff like looking at a wedding photo."

"I could use a good opportunity to practice. Ganondorf had challenged me to a Smash match yesterday; I'm going to kick his butt so hard his head will spin!"

Jane giggled. Maybe his subtle sense of humor could lighten things up. Soon, they were almost close to their destination. Along the way, Captain Falcon said, "So, Jane..."

"Yes?" she answered, looking up.

"Remember when you asked if I had ever dated any women in my lifetime?"

"It's a hypothetical question. I wasn't sure if you were single or not; I knew a lot more about your backstory and your involvement in your game, but never knew anything about your private life. I'll bet being a bounty hunter can be quite so hard, huh?"

"Sometimes it is. I had to track down all types of criminals, and collect rewards pinned on them."

Jane thought silently. Then she said, "Samus is a bounty hunter, too. I always cheered for her whenever she beat Ridley." She continued with an optimistic smile, "Why not date her? Both of you appear to have something in common."

Captain Falcon shook his head. "We're just rivals, like how I am with Ganondorf. Ever since that incident when we fought over Bowser..."

"What did Bowser have to do with the feud you had with Samus? He didn't do anything wron--oh. He did do something, and it's not just kidnapping Peach or invading the Mushroom Kingdom...or, worse, owning a large chain of hotels..."

They walked on in silence, the only sounds being the birds singing. Jane took some time to think about her future with Captain Falcon; if they were truly "destined partners", how will they fare if they married? Being the wife of a bounty hunter may not be very easy, but if that's worth living for, then she wouldn't mind.

"It's funny," she said. "How life turns out. One day you're reporting the news, the next day you're suddenly fixed up with someone you've never even met. That's how I felt when the host revealed that you're my 'destined partner'. Do you really think they know what they were doing when they put up a fake photo of us as newlyweds? It's as if they're trying to tell me...something..."

Captain Falcon replied, "It's just a game. It's not like we're going to actually get married. The last thing I'd want is a wife who nags me to death after I've been to many races and missions."

"What makes you think that? Only losers who don't have any courage to stand up for themselves get henpecked. And YOU, fine sir, aren't a coward...besides, I can look after myself just fine while you're away, even offer to manage affairs at home--our future home."

After realizing what she had said, she covered her mouth with her free paw. The bounty hunter could only stare at her in confusion. He said, "...you don't mind being married to me, do you?"

"I didn't mean to say that!" shouted Jane. She added in a whisper, "On second thought, yes. You wouldn't object to my idea of an independent spouse; I won't have to worry about you being away for too long, unless...well, if you die or go missing. Still, I'm afraid of being completely alone."

Captain Falcon smiled. "You'll never be alone. Even if I'm away busting intergalactic thieves and ne'er-do-wells, I'll always have time for you."

"Then...you would marry me, if you had the chance?"

"Who cares what they'll think? Non-human or not, I'll love and take care of you just the same."

Jane smiled at him, before gazing up at a bright light ahead. From far off they could make out faint sounds of ringing wedding bells. They moved forward towards the light, the bell sounds growing a bit louder with each step they took; for a moment it seemed that they may have reached the end of the maze. But when they got there, all they found was a large white church.

"The big day has finally arrived. Guests are inside, awaiting the moment the bride and groom go through the doors."

"Whoa, whoa, wait a minute!" exclaimed Captain Falcon. "Just because I agreed to marry her doesn't mean we get to do it right now!"

"Through your own free will, you decide to vow eternal love to each other, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, 'til death do you part. Well, what are you waiting for? Come on in!"

Captain Falcon and Jane looked at each other. Jane asked, "Are you sure you want to go through with this?"

The bounty hunter nodded and helped her open the church doors. Virtually all of the pews in the church were empty, despite the voice saying that there would be guests waiting for them. The song "Here Comes The Bride" was playing on a non-existent pipe organ.

"Now this is taking it way too far!" complained Captain Falcon. "Cupid, you've got a LOT of explaining to do once we get out of here!"

They continued to walk down the aisle, until they had reached the pulpit; oddly enough there was no one around to perform the ceremony. The host's voice continued, "Here you are, standing face-to-face, ready to say the vows that would bound you to one another for a lifetime. If anyone has objections, speak now or forever hold your peace!"

Jane was about to say what would have been her vows...if not for the Smashers who had breathlessly caught up to the couple. It was at this time they were finally able to take their hands apart.

"Captain Falcon!" shouted Sonic. "What do you think you're doing?"

Captain Falcon turned to face his friends. He replied, "I'm getting married. Why?"

Mario said, "But not like-a this! Participating in a forced marriage isn't good if you-a don't really know-a each other well."

Jane turned her head away in embarrassment. She whispered, "S-Sorry. Looks like we'll have to call off the wedding...for now. Maybe we SHOULD have dated first..."

"And another thing..."

She did not bother sticking around to hear more of Mario's reasons for objecting to the unplanned wedding, as she was already aware of the fact that she and Captain Falcon do not belong together. And thus the wedding was cancelled.